im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
