Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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