Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
FUCK WHALES
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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