i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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