Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
