After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
