here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
