I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
