so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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