someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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