Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
