i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
