YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
