I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
