hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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