Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
