I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
