Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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