you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
