Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
