Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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