The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
