I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
