I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
