I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
