my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
