how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
