I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
