You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Even my vagina gasped.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
