Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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