I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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