i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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