when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
