the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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