You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
