We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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