saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
