sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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