Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
