Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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