I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I am one with the molecules
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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