i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
