you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
