I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
