Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
