I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
