Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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