Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
