Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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