She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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