I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
