Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
