wat bout pragnant strippers??
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
