Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
