he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
